Heartaches and stomach pains

I didn’t really want a carton of french fries and a huge milkshake. It’s rare anymore that I have a craving that junk food would genuinely satisfy. But after this happened I was hungry, and lazy, and felt like I actually should feed myself junk against my own will. I thought it might help the indistinctly crappy emotional phase I had just entered by breaking up with a boyfriend. My true melancholia was gone. I’d already spent the past week feeling my way through the inevitable, lying on friends’ couches, drinking more vodka than I’m accustomed to. By the time I hit the Burgerville drive-thru I was ready to look forward—just not quite ready to start caring properly for myself. I deserved the stomachache I had for the rest of the evening.

It’s been a couple of days and I’m still in limbo, still indulging these unhealthy couch-potato cravings that seem to come from a juvenile place. I know better than to fill my life with distractions instead of real hobbies and reflections. I guess I’d like to be excused from those responsibilities for a little while longer. It seems a bit unnecessary because I’ve been through the worst already. When things get back to normal, however, the past will come into focus again and I’ll need to acknowledge that I recently had a relationship that I was pretty happy about for a while. There’s no serious heartbreak here, but underlying the numbness and frustrated disappointment, I’m afraid there could be real sadness.

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2 Comments

  1. Mike C.

     /  August 26, 2012

    It would be perfectly normal for their to be real sadness. I often do the same junk food routine when I feel sadness too. And it’s usually due to me not being able to connect with someone in a meaningful way. Thoughts not verbalized and feelings left unexpressed. Sometimes I just can’t seem to articulate my thoughts very well other times fear stops me from expressing my true feelings.

    Lately, through conscious effort and knowing how much healthier it is for me, I’ve been a lot better at expressing my thoughts and feelings to people. When I can’t seem to get to the core of some of those more nagging thoughts and feelings I either meditate or go for a hike in the woods. I usually will come to some realization or like clouds in the sky they just float away.

    Remember to kind and gentle with yourself. You deserve it. Give yourself time and space to actually feel the sadness, accept it, honor it. Don’t try to bury it or numb it. You feel sad because of a sense of loss, unfulfilled expectations and/or hopes, or maybe even a nagging sense of a negative behavior pattern.

    After 20 some odd years, I recently came to a realization of a deep underlying fear that’s affected all my relationships, both platonic and romantic. Over a span of a few in my late teens and early 20’s, I lost a few people in my life that I was closest too. For 20 years, the fear of losing people unwittingly influenced my relationships. It just kind of came to me one morning while eating breakfast. But I’ve also been working on myself a lot of the past few months. Not about this behavior pattern in particular, but just with meditation, yoga, being outdoors more, living slower and simpler, and spending more time with the people who love and support me.

    ,

    Mike

  2. kristenpdx

     /  August 26, 2012

    Your comments are as thoughtful as always. I will get to where I need to be; I’m just easing myself into it.

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