Woman seeking man

Woman seeks man for dating, possible long-term relationship. Caveat: Man must be averse to kissing. Woman has a case of infectious mononucleosis, a.k.a. mono, a.k.a the kissing disease. Rest assured that woman is a fully-grown 28 years old.

I’ve actively had this disease for less than a week, and I’m afraid it’s going to breed loneliness as it wears on. See, most of my friends are fairly active, as am I, but I’ve been informed that bed rest is the only way to cope with mono. So not only am I going to be left behind for a while, but I’m going to refrain from doing a lot of the solo activities that usually make me feel good: riding my bike, exercising at the gym, and so on. The doctors tell me I shouldn’t do anything that puts stress on my already-inflamed spleen. True, the main thing I’ve been warned against is playing contact sports, which I wouldn’t do anyway; but even though I don’t know where my spleen is, the thought of jostling its swollen, tender mass on even a simple bike ride is freaking me out. Also, one of the hallmarks of this illness is a feeling of exhaustion, which deters a person from getting physical anyway. On the day of my most acute symptoms, I slept for about thirteen hours; while I don’t expect to have such a lazy day again, I don’t have my typical level of energy and have thus been spending a lot of time at home. Therefore, I’m bored—and that’s where you come in!

You can take me out to dinner, and I’ll do my best to be charming, but don’t expect a high level of witty banter. Also, you may be required to take me directly home afterward because I may be drained of energy after the stress of a first date. You know how that goes, right? If we get along, maybe you can come inside and join me for some chaste movie-watching. We can hold hands and snuggle, but my lips mustn’t get anywhere near your face. That’s where the infectious saliva comes from. Actually I really should try not to breathe on you, either, lest you get some droplets of spit. How about I wear a face mask? It’ll be coordinated with my outfit. If we get to a fifth date, I’ll bring out the black, lacy one for your enjoyment. 😉

I know this sounds tough, but just prior to my diagnosis, I decided that I’m ready to start dating again after being off the market for a few months. I’m not going to let a simple case of bad timing get in the way, and neither should you! I’m just not supposed to kiss anybody for eight weeks. That’s longer than most of my relationships last anyway, so maybe the delayed gratification in this case will help me beat my record. Do we have a deal?

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