Square One

When you lose a relationship, it’s easy to feel like you’ve suddenly reverted back to the place you were in before you had it. All the blanks that were filled in are suddenly empty again. You’d gotten used to a certain level of comfort after that thin blanket you’d been using to warm yourself had been thickened by a layer of downy fluff, jazzed up with an outer shell knitted in your favorite colors, and tucked snugly around you. Until you got tucked in, you hadn’t realized that such a deep sense of peace could be wrought from being alive—just sitting with yourself and your love. And you feel desperate after that joy and security are yanked away.

It’s easy to feel like I’m back at Square One when I reverse the hands on my clock in an attempt to find out what used to bring me fulfillment. Right now, I could look back exactly one year and see myself being in a similar place: alone, somewhat discontent, and unsure of my future. As if I need to start a whole new search for happiness. But the truth is, despite some resemblances, I am not in the same place anymore—and I think I will remember that if I continue to take small steps forward. This is why I’ve chopped off half of my hair, why I’ve joined a gym, why I’m searching for new experiences. Things have to be different now. I didn’t want it to be this way, but it’s happening.

I miss him, and I’m sad.

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