Fitful dreaming

A few days ago, for the first time since winter, I watched the sun rise. I was on the living room couch and had to shift from my usual West-facing position to see those shades of pink and orange that always seem distinct from their counterparts at dusk. The last time I’d been in such a state was a morning in Arcata, when for some reason I was awake at 5:00 AM. I took that opportunity to drive a few miles out to the marsh, where I watched the sky change color over Humboldt Bay. Here in Portland, I knew the day was really beginning when I saw the first city bus come by at 5:08. By then I had given myself over to wakefulness after a night of fitful sleep. I watched a couple of cyclists ride up the street and part of me wanted to get up and do that, to enjoy some fresh cool air before the sun started sucking it up. Instead I lazed and dozed on the couch for a few hours.

I haven’t typically experienced the kind of insomnia that forces me up at odd hours. Mostly it’s been the kind that prevents me from falling asleep until long after I’ve crawled into bed, due to a constant whir of thoughts in my head. Although the volume of my thoughts hasn’t really decreased over the past several years, perhaps their anxiety quotient has. I usually fall asleep easily enough and stay unconscious until the alarm clock rudely interrupts. Two sets of circumstances have recently intervened. One, the heat. I can’t rest under the relentless smothering of warm, moist air in my non-air-conditioned home. I keep my windows open and the fan turned up high, sprawled open as wide as can be, but have to wait until my body temperature cools before I feel comfortable. The second factor is something intensely personal. My anxiety quotient has been bumped up again, but only barely compared to the spike in happiness and hope and excitement. This blog is not about being effusive, though … or is it? I can gush for paragraphs about berries, but about a new person in my life I’ll be reticent. Let’s just say that it’s inducing a rather good type of insomnia.

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