It’ll be all right

I haven’t been feeling psyched about my job lately. I took it because it was offered to me and I didn’t have any other plans, not because it was necessarily what I wanted to do. It frustrates me to be the bad guy and enforce laws that I can’t necessarily explain or defend. I’m talking about zoning laws governing building heights and setbacks and such. I know they all exist for a reason, but that’s not the stuff I care about. Maybe I’m just suffering from a bout of low confidence, but the more I do this job the more I realize how much I don’t know yet and how much I’m lacking in people skills. Planning is complex and requires navigating an irritating maze of regulations and permitting requirements and politics and other considerations. I do better when my tasks are narrowly focused. I feel like I belong in a lab or doing something more behind-the-scenes. I’m not sure.

The point, though, is that it’s okay. I’m not stuck. Mentally I committed myself to this job for a year at minimum, and already I’ve been there six months. It’s only a stepping stone. Planning, as a whole, really isn’t so bad. I did choose to major in it for a reason. During my next job search I’ll just have to focus on the aspects of it that I do like. Even at my current job I don’t have to focus on city planning, given that I work for a private consulting firm. But I don’t want to leave Blue Lake after I’ve just started. I don’t know who would take it over if I quit it, not that it’s my responsibility to worry about that. My boss checks in once in a while to see if I’m still having fun and liking the Blue Lake stuff. I wonder when he’ll ask me next.

I feel better after reminding myself that I’m truly not stuck with anything. When I reach the point of being truly unhappy, then my only obligation is to myself, to find something that’s satisfying and suited to my abilities. It’s kind of exciting, too, to be thinking about my next step even though I haven’t a clue yet what that will be (or where it will take me).

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