Fleeting idealism

I feel different these days. Better, mostly. Life goes on, and I take everything in, and little changes happen. I grow and I learn. Oh, I’ve still got plenty of issues. But I’ve been feeling a resurgence of some good things. It happens once in a while, I guess. I feel … energetic and idealistic. The old dreams for things that I want to pursue in life are coming back, and it’s taking a lot of effort for me to write this down (or type it up, whatever) because it’s just a bunch of unfocused energy. I think it’s because I’m finally out of school and I feel like I can make my life whatever I want it to be. Even little things make a difference, like having the time to keep the apartment clean and to take walks after dinner, without guilt over not studying. Maybe it’s partly that, and partly that I keep getting healthier (mentally). (I had to go back on the pills for a couple of months this year, but I weaned myself off when I knew I would be okay.)

Anyway. You’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about. I’m talking about being a lifelong learner, about doing creative things and being fulfilled. Reading, writing, drawing, painting. I feel that writing is something I should pursue more, but I’m not sure how. I still have fleeting thoughts about being a journalist. I didn’t pursue that in high school because I didn’t want to push myself. (The journalism teacher knew that, and pestered me for four years about joining the newspaper staff.) I used to have a thing for history, too, and I wanted to be a curator. (That would be cool; I’ve been thinking about it again since reading Assassination Vacation.) And I want to try painting again, even if nothing good comes out of it, and next time I go out I should take my camera. There are all kinds of things I can do. I can be content with the life I have now, but I cannot let myself stay in it forever.

Of course I recognize that my big ideas may be ideas and nothing more, but it’s nice to feel that I’m capable. I’m reluctant to press the “Post Blog” button because this is ongoing (and a little too personal for abundant blogging), but hey, here’s a snapshot of my current crazy idealistic state. I might add that I cleaned house today and did some slight redecorating, which I feel good about.

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